• My existential question arose from an interest in ‘looking again’ at Living on the other side of trauma recovery. I’m Alive, but I’m not sure that I feel alive. What are the qualities of my Aliveness?

• I think deep in my heart I wanted there to be a secret — of embodied, ecstatic Living that I would discover by my research.

• In my first attempt to meet my aliveness I walked into a storm and took off my clothes. But all I got was cold and wet.

• Then I had an experience of Providence, like from Goethe’s poem. I suddenly had four Saturday nights to myself. These magic nights helped me open to my phenomenon. 

• And I found myself writing. My writing practice exploded. At that point it felt like my life and my writing could not be separated.

• These Saturday night bubbles of time that were showing me how to use ritual to apply phenomenological reduction. I locked my doors, lit my lamps and I wrote. And for the first time, I felt so much pleasure writing.

• But because this was a research project, I had to read my work back. And doing that, I sort of got to know the writer! It was a conversation I was having with myself. This kind of loneliness used to make me feel like I was missing the ‘full experience’ of living. But through the analysis process I learnt to appreciate the tragic-comic Pathos of myself — I was in longing.

• I also watched a lot of movies and read a lot of books. I felt I was meeting the Life force of the stories. I felt myself as part of a lineage — Byron to Bronte, to du Maurier, to me. I think story people must share a spiritual bloodline. 

• So I had a realisation that I do experience Belonging — and I get it from the kinship I feel with other souls in longing!

• I was supported by the phenomenon to see the soul of the artist in me, and in acknowledging this part, I realised that my longing and passion — which had at first seemed so painful — are both essential qualities for the kind of life I actually want to live. 

I really enjoyed the method of using bubbles of time to allow a ritual to unfold.

I wondered if I could make a short exercise that could bring a taste of that space…

So this is a variation of the perfect day exercise. I’m going to call it the Magic Night exercise.

The invitation is to open up a very small door to the phenomenon of your own longing and passion and see if they connect up with your experience of being alive.

The Magic Night exercise:

Take a moment to get comfortable and feel your body in the space. Feet on the ground, back against the chair.

Let your gaze become soft, or allow your eyes to gently close and go within.

Imagine you are walking to your home, or to any place that makes you feel at home. The twilight is deepening all around you.

Imagine yourself coming over the threshold.

You are completely alone, no one and no thing will disturb you now. This night belongs only to you. It is a magic night.

Let yourself Move around your comfortable space, imagine that everything is just how you like it. Warm and softly lit, all your special things in their place. Let yourself feel what it’s like to be in your own space.

Allow this spaciousness to expand. Take a moment to notice any sounds, textures, colours, smells that bring you deeper into the moment.

If there is nothing to do and no one to please, what would you like to do?

Allow yourself to be lead by your longing, and open up to what attracts you. even if it is something that you would not usually do. Let it be a ceremony.

Take some time to let this dream unfold. Notice how it makes you feel.

Now picture yourself at the centre of this magic night.

Who is this person?

Take a moment to write down any insights or make a quick sketch if you like.